3 2 1, let’s go~

          We got up at seven am something, got to the queue around eight and got let in some time after seven pm. The vibes in the queue were really great and I can’t really thank French invasion enough for managing it all so lovely. They handed out candy bars, juice, hot chocolate, banners, notes telling people how to behave during the concert (which was calming since I think that every single inspirit there were a bit worried after reading about the other ogs concerts) and also asked people to sit down and relax so that no one would faint or feel too tired during the concert. To me it was mind blowing and it just made the queuing a lot less painful and more exiting on so many levels.

          I’ve never really met inspirits outside of tumblr so seeing so many for real and seeing how adorable and utterly nice everyone was made me so incredibly happy. Also shout out to all the people coming up to me and telling me that they like my blog and art, if anything that was even more mind blowing. I’m sorry if my responds was awkward but gosh I was so surprised and thankful and shy all at once, once again thank you so much. While queuing I hung out with my girls, Mia, Céline, Saphira and Clara (later on Estelle too), went to different kinds of starbucks, got bird shit on my jacket, talked to other inspirits, watched infinite on beatles code 2 together with one inspirit on her ipad, drew Sunggyu and just sat on the ground wishing that time could pass both faster and slower. I guess it was a mix of being too cold and too tense as well as feeling the realization of it all creeping up on me. I kept taking painkillers and tried to eat something to not lose my senses completely but failed so miserably at eating. The concert day I only managed to eat the top of a muffin and an apple and we were awake for about 18+ hours so it is insane how I not even once felt any kind of hunger. I’d say that it is the same lack of hunger I get when I am drawing, when I am completely overtaken by something, motivated and feeling alive.

          As time went on the queue seemed to be growing in front of us which was rather worrisome. The queue was about 5 meters wide at one point and that was perhaps the only time I felt really shitty about it all, I felt frustrated that people were cutting the line and that we would get really bad spots during the concert, but later on it turned out that my worries thankfully were in vain. Time went on, infinite-staff came with cameras filming the queue and fans and the excitement as well as exhaustion grew. We were tired and restless but still very excited.

          When they started letting us in it was dark outside, the queue moved a few steps at the time and there were a lot of pushing when we were trying to pass through the barricades. Me and the girls were pressed against them and when we tried to push them out to give more room to everyone the staff got pissed and moved it back. He only let some fans pass at the time and Mia got to go before me but thankfully he let the rest of us hurry to her only seconds later. I was surprised when we got into the building because it was so empty and we ran like idiots to the guards letting them check us. I had tucked my camera inside of my jacket so neither of the two guards that were checking me noticed anything. We ran to the right which we had agreed on to head for and threw my jacket in the corner of the concert hall and then took my place in the crowd.

          At that point I was beyond happy and excited and could absolutely not even for once second believe that we had managed to get such great spots. We were standing on the 4/5 row and the stage looked scarily close. Saphira, Céline, Clara and Estelle came to us and we all freaked out. There was a lot of room around us and nobody was trying to squeeze past us, their MVs came on and Saphira started crying, ugh so precious. At that point I was 103% sure that I wouldn’t cry during the concert, the excitement and euphoria that I felt was so overpowering that I couldn’t stand still. MV after MV came up on the curtain screen and we all sang along while constantly looking at Céline’s watch.

          Me and Mia had decided that she was going to record the fancams since she is much taller but she didn’t want to record the very start of everything since we knew that things would probably get very messy. When The Chaser had been showed for the second time the lights turned off and everyone started cheering like crazy. After the intro clip their chained silhouettes appeared on the curtain and my heart felt like it was going to explode. The curtain dropped and they began performing Destiny and well, the true magic began to show both on stage and in front of the stage – no one was pushing, no one was trying to get closer by harming others, no one was creating a scene nor doing anything at all that I could ever be complaining about. I was left in complete awe by what was happening around me as well as the fact that my favorite people in this whole wide world were right there before my eyes. The pure joy of it all was so amazing that I barely even know how to explain it.

          The boys looked very serious and focused and didn’t really look too closely at the audience. You could notice that they were worried of how things would go considering all the things that happened at the earlier concerts. Their stern expressions only lasted for the very first performances, during their overly adorable presentations in both broken French and English you could see it all fade from their faces and being replaced with an impeccable excitement.

          I can’t really remember the whole entire order of the songs right but I do remember them extremely vividly- and perhaps not so surprisingly - I remember Sunggyu so clearly that my stomach tightens whenever I recall his expressions, movements, voice, body and smile. During Paradise I barely knew what to do with myself because I was so utterly defenseless against every single one of them and needless to say – to Sunggyu’s arms. They are even more impressively perfect in real life and his skin was more than I could take (also he was surprisingly the one with less armpit hair and Myungsoo’s was really long hahAH, the more u know). They were all dancing very passionately and I could feel the energy oozing around them. It felt so amazing standing there among all the inspirits and just look at them, just look and feel the energy seeping into my bones. Euphoria is the word that I would like to use even though it feels too weak.

          Sunggyu definitely had the best English and I got so fuzzy while listing to him talk, his voice is leaning more towards falsetto when he is using English and I found it so so so so so so incredibly adorable. When Dongwoo’s English was all over the place and according to Mia sounded like Borat hahahaha. Myungsoo was rather quiet and was kind of hard to hear but boy is that kid cute, jesus Christ, he did so many strange little things all the time and got so shy when talking. Holy shit, I can’t get over how cute he is, seriously now. Yes he is really gorgeous and sexy and all but that night I found out that he is probably the cutest person ever - absolutely 1032432% too adorable for my faint heart (though his tongue is completely out of control, like hahaha waaaaaa Myungsoo nO.) Sungyeol didn’t say that much but it was so much fun when he said “if you cheat on us I will chase you to the end of the world”, me and Mia repeated it so many times after that just gosh, it was so cute. After he has said it he glanced over at Woohyun to kind of confirm that he’d done a good job haha omg idiots. Woohyun was sparkling like a firework, he was so incredibly happy when we sang Beautiful with him and he of course did a lot of fanservice which was lovely. Hoya, Sungjong and Woohyun were the ones we saw the least of since we were standing on the right side (the ones we saw the most were Sungyeol, Dongwoo, Myungsoo and Sunggyu) so I can’t really say too much about Hoya actually other than his dancing being freakishly flawless, he too of course. He was on fire, he truly was, and It was amazing to see him dance with my own eyes. Sungjong is not human. I am serious now, every time he got close to us it became obvious that he needs to be from another planet. And to all the people saying that he is super feminine – he was basically the manliest guy there. During his and Sungyeol’s solo stage all of us kind of freaked out, he was shining and didn’t doubt himself one second, ugh it was so amazing. Sungyeol jumped off stage to run along the front row and because I am really short, he was so close and because it happened so fast I thought that he fell off stage and freaked out. I turned around to Mia and was super shocked and scared and dumbfounded and was like “DID HE JUST FALL OFF STAGE!?!?” but she just laughed and told me that he jumped.

          They were the first ones to have a solo stage and sometime after that the Olympia staff came out telling us that there were issues with the technology and that we unfortunately would have to wait a little bit. During that little break we watched some of the fancams and freaked out even more, it felt really nice to have some time to just talk with the others and smile and laugh with all the inspirits while waiting. Water bottles were passed around and everyone did such an amazing job sharing them and giving signals to the people who were going to get them next. Yet again I told everyone that there was no way in hell that I would be able to cry because I felt too happy, there was too much joy and excitement around me which just made every thought of crying feel distant.

          After Jong and Yeol it was time for Infinite H and Dongwoo came really close and actually pointed right at us while singing and smiling, I couldn’t believe what was happening and of course one part of me thought that he had pointed at someone else, BUT the fancam shows otherwise, he points right at us and for a really long time as well. It is mind blowing. Just wow… Dongwoo is pure sunshine and warms you to the core of your marrow, he has got something very special and I am so thankful for having him give it to me so freely. He truly is the definition of preciousness.

          After that they performed In the Summer and Myungsoo and Sungyeol were sitting right in front of us and gosh Lee Sung freaking Yeol… Mia recorded him a lot since they have a special thing together but even though we got really clear shots of him nothing manages to make any justice for his true gorgeousness, he looked so good, he looks so good, ugh ugh ugh. Right then I had a really clear view of Sunggyu even though he was sitting kind of far away and I just found myself staring at him with the greatest smile, my cheeks were actually hurting at that point because I simply couldn’t stop smiling. I asked Mia for the camera and managed to capture a little kiss he gave to a fan, but compared to Mia I was too shaky and too many arms and hands and light sticks were in the way so that is basically the only thing I recorded.

          Then it was time for Myungsoo to sing Love U, Like U and it was so adorable. His voice is really clear and his smiles almost killed us all, when he was moving around on the bench the bear actually fell off (which he didn’t notice haha) so when he came back you could see some small seconds of confusion haha aw it was so cute. He didn’t really give the bear as passionate kisses as he did at the other concerts and just gave it a quick peck before hiding behind it being all shy.

          Next up was sparkling Woohyun, sadly I didn’t see that much (curses at my genes) but the things I did see were so adorable, the lighting was really pretty and he sang really really beautifully. He went up to the balcony and went around there singing and holding fans hands and hugging a really cute girl. At that point Saphira was nudging at my arm, pointing at the stage where they now had placed a mic-stand and a microphone and we all knew what was about to happen. She and Céline grabbed me, dragging me and put me in front of them and when I asked if it was okay they were like “OF COURSE you NEED to stand here.”

          Then I started feeling a bit dizzy and my insides started tumbling, Sunggyu walked on stage, grabbed the mic, took a big breath and begun… and in that moment I swear we were infinite.

          I can’t remember at what point I started crying, I can’t remember that I started crying at all, but when I stood there I could just feel all of my tangled emotions and memories of all the years I have loved him for seeping out of me… melting only to vaporize and float to the sky or perhaps like spring flowers burst to bloom after a long and cold winter. It felt like electric running through me, powering all the shut down parts of my heart, making it soar and sting with love for him, the light of my life. It’s really hard for me to write about this so please bear with me. I still haven’t processed it all but then again I know that I probably never will. I cried so hard and my body was shaking uncontrollably. I looked at him standing there in the light, drifting just centimeters from the mic, waiting for the cheering to settle, biting his lip, breathing calmly with his eyes closed and then closing the distance between him and the microphone as if he gave it a kiss – and that is when I lost everything for real. I leaned against Céline and Saphira and just cried my soul out, the type of crying where there becomes a vacuum in your lungs and nothing feels real anymore. They patted my back and hugged me but everything was just in a haze. I felt every single emotion at once and it’s hard for me to remember much, all I know is that I love him.

          I love him I love him I love him with every fiber of my being.

(ugh this part has taken me so long to write because I got so emotional and started crying  and now I have no idea of how to continue) … needless to say that I felt something that was too powerful for me. When he was done and had left the stage I squeezed myself over to Mia who instantly hugged me. I kept crying in her arms and I know for sure that I would have never had managed it without her, she was my rock and safety and I will be forever thankful for her… wow I am crying again. But just… if you are reading this Mia just know that you made my dreams come true and that I will always remember that, no matter what happens I will remember all of it, du är bäst, nu och föralltid.

          The rest of the boys came out and goofed around while Sunggyu was changing and I am not going to lie, I can’t remember much of it. Sunggyu came out and they started singing Mom. I simply couldn’t stop crying and I was leaning against Mia who back hugged me the whole entire time as I kept shaking. Sungyeol was standing right in front of us and at that time we had a completely clear sight of him. I kept feeling like he looked at us but it was too hard to tell since tears kept streaming down and because of the lighting on the stage, but later on Mia told me that he looked at us several times and gave such a sweet look and looked a little worried at first since I was crying so much. It felt like I never would be able to stop so I did my absolute best to pull myself together and actually managed to stop in time. After that overload things turned around completely and the boys were so incredibly happy and excited.

          They did Nothing’s Over (MyungYeol heart at the end + super embarrassed and adorable Myungsoo) Sungyeol took his jacket off and they started performing 맡겨 which made everyone so happy and bubbly. During Cover Girl we had Sungyeol and Dongwoo in front of us when they were rapping and it was so amazing and cute. People gave them tiaras, bunny ears and balloons which they played around with while laughing and Woohyun stood right in front of us laughing like crazy at Dongwoo, it was his shoulder-shaking-dumb(best)-smile-ever laugh and it was so so so lovely.

          Then it was time for Be Mine and boy did they dance, Sunggyu who usually has this kind of loose style of dancing with lightly sweeping movements that are completely correct and all but at times a little bit too powerless - was dancing like no other. It was so amazing to see and I was actually surprised by how much energy he put into every movement. Every single thing he did that night was so passionate and it was so beautiful to see (this also made him very sweaty in his thin and white shirt, if ya know what I mean) gosh gosh gosh. They are all incredibly and strikingly beautiful, there is no doubt about it, but as you all know my heart beats the hardest for Kim Sunggyu so seeing him all perfect on stage was probably the most brainwashing thing ever. All the features that I have drawn so many times and found so much comfort in were right there before my eyes. I can barely even look at him now without remembering seeing them in real life, everything from the sharp crook of his neck and distinct and perfect nose to his out-of-this-world hands and eyes. I have always loved the way he looks, always, and there are many reasons of why he is my muse, one of course being his gorgeousness, so to see him so close and so real meant a whole lot to me, both as someone who loves him dearly but also as an artist.

          During both Man in Love and The Chaser he couldn’t stop smiling and danced around giggling and threw hearts and kisses to fans here and there. They were so incredibly happy and you really could tell that they were enjoying themselves to the fullest. (Even the guitarist was rocking out like crazy and smiling like no other.) The boys also did small gestures at each other while dancing which made them laugh. They got off stage and we all started screaming “dashi dora wa” over and over again and then you could hear an echoing “dashi dora wa” from the speakers and we all got so excited. They came out again and did such a wonderful job doing Come Back Again and continued with Hysterie. I really really love that song AND dance and I was so excited to see them perform it. Near the end of it they all lined up and Sunggyu was standing RIGHT in front of us, let’s just say I wasn’t the only one who freaked out haha.

          Then they begun with their ‘thank you’ speeches but since I neither know Korean or French it was really hard for me to understand anything they said other than the parts they were saying in English, though I cheered as loud as ever anyway. During Sunggyu’s speech there was someone in the right corner that shouted something like “WASSUP!” and Gyu was all like “yeeeah~” haha it was so funny, ugh datt swagger haha. What I understood was that he talked about Paris and that he liked it here. During his speech he started wiping his sweat a little awkwardly which looked awfully a lot like he was wiping away tears, but since he was smiling so brightly I thought that it was nothing and just kept smiling back at him cheering with the others.

          They were all so cute and precious and Sunggyu and Sungyeol kept whispering things to each other and laughing at the others (especially Sungjong ((of course, but we all know that magnae is on top anyway haha)). Then Sunggyu started acting a little bit suspiciously and kept staring at the screen instead of the crowd and Sungyeol did just the same, I tried to focus on the screen where a camera had zoomed in on the member who were talking and also tried my best to translate both the Korean and French as good as I could. When it was Dongwoo’s turn no one really understood what he was trying to say at one point and the translator was like that the fuck which made everybody laugh (including Dongwoo of course haha). During this time Mia managed to get a great fancam of Woohyun mouthing “je t’aime” at the fans over and over again before looking like he was about to cry, it is so sweet. Hoya was talking a lot and he was really sweaty and really gorgeous and wow. Sungjong also messed up what he was trying to say at one point which like I said was a great pleasure to Sunggyu and Sungyeol haha ugh idiots. When it was Myungsoo’s turn he didn’t really start talking but instead tried to locate the camera by pointing at it while looking at the big screen, he is such an adorable little weird derp it’s amazing. While the others were talking there were fans to the right of us screaming stuff to Sunggyu which made him really giggly and flustered ugh it was so cute and he kept throwing glances at that direction. All of their speeches made everyone very touched. Some people around me started to cry and I felt kind of bad for not understanding.

          When they all had spoken they lined up closer to the crowds and With started playing. At this point I could feel myself getting really emotional again but I didn’t want to cry because I knew that there would be no way for me to stop. What happened after this are things that are still hard for me to grasp and I feel very very very emotional just reminiscing it all so bare with me okay. 

          Like the main singer that he is he sang along with all the members and just stood there looking awfully beautiful. He was smiling so brightly and my heart was about to explode every time I could feel his eyes on me. Like every other time I tried to convince myself that it was impossible that he would ever look at me and it wasn’t until later when I saw the fancams that I could comprehend that he was indeed looking, smiling and nodding at both Mia and I. The song reached its end and the confetti started falling down upon us. He kept sweeping his hand across his forehead and eyes and the second time his hand once again found its way to his eyes is when I truly realized that he was in fact crying. There he was, the one single person that is said to never cry, to never show that much emotions or give away too much of himself. There he was, my dearest Kim Sunggyu, standing in the shining lights and confetti rain wiping away his tears. His smile was undeniably the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. At that point I was already crying and my love for him once again washed over me and consumed me completely.

          Because there he was. Just right there. The light of my life. My sin. My soul.

          Kim Sunggyu.

          It was like a standing in a snowfall watching him so close, so close, his happiness and gratitude shining brighter than the sun. His gaze went across the crowd as he whispered thank you. His eyes landed on me and Mia once more and he whispered thank you before smiling the most beautiful smiles. After that he wiped away yet another tear and walked over to the rest of the boys, they bowed and waved and one by one left the stage. At this time I was crying really badly again because I simply couldn’t control all the emotions that I was feeling, and still feeling as I look back on this. I love him so incredibly much that words feel too weak and small. No words would ever be able to justify neither what I felt for him when standing there nor what I have felt ever since. All I can ever say is that I love him. I really do.

          The things that happened after this are really blurry and hard for me to remember. A lot of people hugged me, asked if I was okay, Mia wiped away my tears and held me close. I was just pure emotions, raw and real. I sat down on the ground, walked around a little bit as people were leaving the crowd to get their things. We waited for the others, wondering where they were and then saw that they were still standing at their places. Mia asked why and Céline said that they would probably come back out on stage – and so they did. I can’t really say that I remember much of that either. I was standing behind Mia, pressing my face against her back as I was still crying. I looked up at them from time to time but couldn’t really handle seeing him standing there in his worn out jeans and sweatshirt, waving and smiling to fans. He walked over to our corner again and held hands with a couple of fans, thanking them, stood up and waved to Mia, doing the little head thing he always does to her and then went off stage again for the last time.

          I kept crying. I cried and cried and cried all the way out to the street, holding onto Mia’s hand, shaking. After I had managed to calm down Mia, Céline and I sat down in front of the venue with the big red glowing sign.  We barely even knew what to say. It was perfect. Everything was perfect. They were perfect. Inspirits were perfect. Everything.

          I want to thank all the people there. All the inspirits that made this come true, that made them so incredibly happy. I love you all so much. I want to thank Saphira, Céline, Clara and Estelle, the circle of trust. You made this experience so amazing and I want to thank you all so much for being so utterly nice to me. I miss you all terribly. I want to thank Mia, the hero who wanted to take me with her on this trip and the one who kept me sane when I needed it the most, I love you.

          I want to thank Infinite for bringing happiness to my life once more and proving that life is indeed worth it. Thank you boys, you never ever let me down and I will love you forever.

          Lastly I want to thank Kim Sunggyu, for being the light of my life, for being my center when I spin away out of control, for being my inspiration, my source and muse… for being you.

          I love you.

Thank you for taking your time reading this

//yours sincerely, Lotten … now I need to cry again